


all the right words in all the wrong places

by Death_by_Gallavich



Category: Shameless (US)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Future Fic, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Suicide Notes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-05
Updated: 2015-11-05
Packaged: 2018-04-30 05:19:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,623
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5151767
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Death_by_Gallavich/pseuds/Death_by_Gallavich
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What Mickey wasn’t expecting, was Fiona Gallagher, a grim look on her face. He held his breath as he sat down in front of her, knowing this visit could bring no good news.</p>
            </blockquote>





	all the right words in all the wrong places

**Author's Note:**

> Please take note of the tags. If you come across any other triggers while reading this please let me know so I can tag accordingly.

“Milkovich, visitor,” the guard shouted. Mickey figured it was just Iggy again. He came to see Mickey a lot, since there was nobody else living in the house anymore. Svetlana came occasionally with Yevgeny, to put money in his commissary or just check up on him. Whether or not she liked to admit it, she cared for Mickey. And whether or not he liked to admit it, the days he got to see Yev were the best; he’d feel a little less heartbroken, a little less lonely. What Mickey wasn’t expecting, was Fiona Gallagher, a grim look on her face. He held his breath as he sat down in front of her, knowing this visit could bring no good news.

“Hey Mickey,” Fiona greeted, giving him a sad smile. Her hands rested atop an envelope, and Mickey could see his name scrawled in Ian’s familiar chicken scratch.

“What happened?” Mickey asked. He clenched his jaw in an attempt to ground himself, since he could tell he wouldn’t like her answer.

“It’s Ian. He, uh, he slit his wrists.”

Mickey thought he was going to pass out. Fiona was still talking as she slid over the envelope, but he couldn’t hear anything past the blood rushing through his ears. He carefully removed the letter, letting out a shaky breath as he revealed Ian’s last words.

Fiona realized Mickey wasn’t listening to anything she was saying, and that he would have to make it through the letter before she could tell him a critical piece of information, one she should have led with now that she thought about it.

 

_Dear Mick,_

_If you’re reading this, then that means everything went according to plan, and I’m well, dead. I know you’d give me a signature scowl for being that blunt, but when have I ever been any other way? I’ve asked Fiona to hand deliver this letter because I don’t trust Lip enough not to be an ass, even about this._

 

Mickey let out a sound that was a mix between a laugh and a sob. Tears threatened to spill from his eyes, but he steeled himself while Fiona watched him. He’d save the crying for when he got back to his cell.

 

_Y’know, I had this whole thing planned out to write to you, and now I can’t remember a damn thing. I guess I’ll start off with I’m sorry. I’m so sorry Mick, for everything. All that shit I did when I was manic; cheating on you, the porno, fucking kidnapping Yevgeny, Mickey I’m so fucking sorry. I wish more than anything that I could take it all back. I mean you fucking came out for me last year and nearly died doing it, and how did I thank you? By fucking lying in bed for a week straight. But I do wanna thank you. For sticking with me through all that shit. Even though Debbie did have to knock some sense into you after I got out of the hospital, you were there. I never told you, but I actually thought about killing myself that night. Fiona and Debbie were so mad at me for flushing the pills, Carl had gotten arrested, and I just thought, maybe I should just end it now. I mean I’m stuck with this stupid fucking thing for life, the meds make me feel like I’m drowning, so I should just put myself out of my misery. And I was maybe ten seconds away from getting up to do it when you came. Sure, you were late but you were there. You saved me Mickey._

Mickey was visibly trembling, and being the mother hen that she was, Fiona wanted nothing more than to hug him. She refrained, however, knowing unless you were Ian or Mandy, hugging Mickey under normal circumstances was a death wish, and she didn’t want to think what would happen in the state he was in now. Instead, she wiped away a few stray tears, and let him continue reading.

 

_And not just that night. You saved me back when you found me at the club. Lip and Debbie had actually found me a couple days earlier, so I was planning on leaving again. If you hadn’t have drug me back to the South Side, I probably would have been dead in an alley a week later. It’s kind of ironic, huh? Twice you saved me from dying and the one time you couldn’t is my fault. You’re in there because of me. Because I dumped you for no fucking reason and then didn’t even bat an eye when Sammi came after you. That night though, I guess I finally came out of whatever fog I was under after having been with Monica, and realized what I’d done. I actually took off running to your house, just like I did when I was 15. Only this time it was Iggy that answered the door, saying that you had been arrested. I don’t really remember what happened after that, but it must’ve been pretty bad because I woke in the hospital after having my stomach pumped. I guess that was sort of my rock bottom? Or at least I thought it was at the time. I got some more meds once I was released, and they worked for a while. I managed to get a job as a janitor at Lip’s dorm, until we got in a fight one day and I decked him in the face. Related or not, an employee punching a student didn’t really go over well. Y’know I can’t even remember what he said, but then again, it’s Lip, so you can imagine._

 

Mickey really laughed then, just thinking about Ian punching Lip and remembering the fight they had when their grandma lived with them. Everything was so much simpler back then. Ian was just a good fuck (at least that’s what Mickey was telling himself at the time), there was no rape, forced marriage, baby, or manic episode to worry about. It’s funny how much can change in just a year and a half.

 

_That’s when I noticed the meds were starting to crap out. Fiona had enough on her plate, Debbie being pregnant and all, so I didn’t tell her. All I could think about was that I was glad you weren’t there to see me like that. Granted, prison is not where I wanted you, but it did keep me from fucking up your life anymore. Actually no, that’s a really shitty thing to say. Fuck, it’s really hard to write a letter like this when your mind is racin’ a mile a minute. What I’m trying to say is, you deserved so much better than me. When we were younger, I used to think it was the other way around; that I deserved better than someone who would rather go to juvie than admit to being gay, but I eventually realized you were just trying to protect yourself. Protect us. And that I was the one who didn’t deserve you. You are such an amazing person Mickey. I know you never heard that enough, and it’s probably too late now (hindsight is 20/20 after all), but it’s true. You’re the best person I’ve ever known Mick, and I only wish I could’ve shown you that. And, I’m rambling. Basically, I’m just trying to say I tried. I really tried to get better, for you. To be the kind of person you deserved, the kind of person you were to me. I just couldn’t do it. And everyone already thinks I’m Monica 2.0, so I may as well prove ‘em right. But still, I need you to promise me something. When you get outta there, I want you to get the hell out of Chicago. Take Lana and Yev, go find Mandy, and go live your life. I won’t be there to see it, but just knowing you’re out there, safe and happy, is enough. So that’s it. The life of Ian Gallagher, all compressed into one letter. Kinda sad, isn’t it? Anyways, just know I’m at peace with this, and none of it was ever your fault. Give Yev a kiss for me, and hug Mandy extra hard when you find her. I love you Mick. You gotta know that. I love you so fucking much._

_-Ian_

 

Despite his efforts, Mickey could no longer hold in his sobs. They wracked through his body, and Fiona grabbed his hand and held on tight.

“Mickey, Mickey look at me,” Fiona ordered, making sure she had his attention before continuing. “Mickey, Ian’s _alive_.”

So many emotions crossed Mickey’s face as he took in what Fiona said. “Wh-what?” he stammered.

“After he tried to…Vee went to the house, looking for one of Gemma’s toys when she heard the water running upstairs. She went into the bathroom and found him lying in the bathtub, there was so much blood, I still can’t get all the stains out—,” Fiona paused, and Mickey squeezed her hand reassuringly. She smiled, though it didn’t quite reach her eyes.

“But it doesn’t matter, because he’s okay. He’s gonna be okay.”

Mickey nodded, squeezing her hand once again, more for his benefit than hers. He folded away the letter, and stood up to leave. Surprising Fiona, he hugged her tightly goodbye, trying to tell her all the things he couldn’t express in words. As the guard led him back to his cell, Mickey vowed to keep his promise to Ian. And six months after he was released, he did. Mickey took Svetlana and Yev—Iggy as well—, got Mandy, moved as far away from Illinois as possible, and lived his life.

Only, Ian was there too.

**Author's Note:**

> So this came about a couple nights ago when I was feeling depressed, and writing this was strangely cathartic. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed. Comments and kudos are greatly appreciated. Come find me on tumblr at [doctor-buffy-winchester](http://www.doctor-buffy-winchester.tumblr.com/)


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